Book Lovers Inc.
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Why You Shouldn’t Read A Dakota Cassidy Book by Nina Blackman-Statleon
Filed in Blogoversary , Dakota Cassidy , Giveaways , Guest Post Posted on January 17, 2011 @ 7:00 am
67 comments
The Book Lovers are still relaxing somewhere warm and cozy (or that’s what they wish) so today Nina Blackman-Statleon (aka cranky, potty mouth vampire from Accidentally Dead) will tell us why you shouldn’t read books written by her creator Dakota Cassidy. Please give her warm welcome.
So Susi was all nice and invited Dakota Cassidy to guest blog. Dakota writes several series. My name is Nina, and I’m from her paranormal series titled, The Accidentals. It’s a series about women who’ve been accidentally bitten by one nuttier than squirrel turds shapeshifter or another. There are a bunch, and quite honestly, I’ve lost count of the damn things because it seems like I’ve been in a gabillion bad situations since my book. But I was in book two. I’m a vampire. End promotional type spiel.
That brings me to this. Diva, er… Dakota’s busy right now, inventing new ways to torture me, her mouthy vampire creation in more accidental books. Now that I’ve had my HEA (or some such acronym nonsense), I’m always a secondary character. Nice, right?
I hope while she’s burnin’ all those brain cells writing those books she doesn’t make up more prissy friends for me. Friends that like to hit the designer outlet malls in Jersey (insert gagging here) and do their nails. I have two already, and trust me when I tell you, Marty the werewolf and Wanda the halfsie, or werevamp to you humans, are way more “friend” than this cranky paranormal can handle.
Anyway, because Dakota’s ideas are all used up with her latest absolutely, incredibly outrageously inane story, I generously offered to step in and blog and tell you why you shouldn’t read her books.
That’s right. I said shouldn’t.
I know. I know. Most authors’ characters would nevah dream of turning on their creators. We characters should be thankful we’ve been given life even if it’s only on paper. Well, there’s digital and the Kindle now, but you get the drift. We should bow and scrape because said nutjob author gave me a hot vampire man—for eternity. In general I’m supposed kiss her booty because if not for her, I wouldn’t exist. Blah-blah-blah.
But I’m here to tell you—she’ll ruin your life, if she gets her hands on you. I got a beef with this broad, and she’d better duck, ‘cause I’m going to give you the top five reasons why you shouldn’t (nevernevernever) read a Dakota Cassidy book.
The facts are these:
1. Um, hello. She turned me into a vampire. Vampire. Dude’s, I was all innocently eating Ring-Dings and chicken wings until she got her hands on me. Now I drink blood, read minds and I can fly. While some might think that’s cool, it’s hell on you if you’re altitude challenged. I could have been anything. A rocket scientist. A supermodel. The Dog Whisperer. But nay. Again, I say—vampire.
2. She is batcrap certifiable. I can’t tell you the insane danger she puts me in every single stupid book because I’m not a panty waste. And not only am I a vampire, but I’m a vampire with a bad attitude. When I call you some really creative names via language that does even the raunchiest sailor proud—that’s on her. Add to that, I’m impatient, I have no censor and I can kick an entire football team’s ass—well, it leaves making friends hard on a girl. I’m mean, people. Mean and ornery, and I get some serious flak for it.
3. I have BFF’s who not in a trillion light years would I consider being friends with if I hadn’t been accidentally bitten and had to turn to them for help. See, smart-ass that Dakota is, her first book is about frilly/shop till you drop/color coordinated Marty who’s turned into a werewolf. She decided to give Marty two friends to offset Marty’s sort of vain, shallow asshattery. She wanted to make us all very different. And Cheebus effin’, did she ever. The least she could have done was make me more shopping friendly, right?
4. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I’m cranky and I have BFF’s who’d make you spork your eyeballs out after five minutes with them—Dakota gave us a business to run. (This is a long rant. Hold on to your panties). Okay, scratch that. It’s not a business. It’s more like supernatural charity. See, she thought if us three chicks were “accidentally” bitten, then there must be others like us. You know, roaming the world all pathetic because they have no one to show them the paranormal way.
So she gave us an organization called OOPS. Out In The Open Paranormal Support. Now, me, Marty and Wanda run a stupid 1-800 helpline where every crank who needs his biology teacher gobbled up by a werewolf calls to prank us. Not. Effin’ Funny. Wanda calls us paranormal crisis counselors. Because I, of all people, should counsel. I shouldn’t be allowed to counsel a goldfish.
Anyway, I’m there day and night just waiting for the phone to ring—and when there’s a legit call, my job is to buy the Kleenex in bulk at Costco because there’s always crying once someone finds out their an iguana for life. Okay. No iguana’s so far, but you catch my drift. It’s time better spent cleaning my castle. Oh, yeah. She did give me a castle.
5. And finally, the number one reason you shouldn’t read a Dakota Cassidy book. You won’t sparkle. Look, here’s the thing. I know some people think the sparkly vampire thing’s a little out there, and me being the cranky, tomboy vampire Dakota turned me into would never stand for that crap. But then, if she’d made me sparkly in the sunlight, she’d be a whole lot richer, now wouldn’t she? As a result, not only could she retire and quit writin’ this crazy crap she calls literature, but she’d own a private island off the coast of Hush-Hush. She’d have more money than a Hilton. I’d be in a mega-million dollar movie and I could join Team Jacob without feeling like a dirty old vampire.
The bonus score? I’d never have to shop with those two loons Marty and Wanda again.
So think twice before picking up one of Dakota’s books—or you, too, could end up like me 🙂
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giveaway
For every comment you leave here you’re getting an extra entry for the main giveaway if you entered our Big Blogoversary Giveaway here.
All you have to do is tell us why we should or shouldn’t read Dakota’s Books.
(You can read our full giveaway policy here)
Giveaway ends on Friday February 4th and we will announce the winner on Sunday.
Good Luck!
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Lol, great post!
What to say, well, everyone should read the books so that Dakota makes some money and takes Nina shopping, and perhaps makes her sparkle a bit 😉
If all that sassy-ness comes through Cassidy's books, it ought to be verrryyy interesting, indeed! Makes me really wanna read them books! 🙂
Cherry Mischievous
cherrymischif-warrior [at] yahoo [dot] com
Hell, they don't sparkle! What's the fun in that…
I think Dakota Cassidy is a riot. Based on last nights tweets I think she has a serious addiction to cosmetics. We should all read her books so that she can stay stocked up in MAC & Urban Decay! LOL
GeishasMom73 on Twitter
LMAO! Fabulous post! Thank you for your insights, Nina!
I haven't read Dakota Cassidy's books, but now I would love to. And everybody would have to read them, because as I see, they are not ordinary books with supernatural creartures… and I like review from the perspective of Nina =)
mikki-mano at hotmail dot com
I love Dakota Cassidy's LOL writing, can't wait for the next book!!
Dakota is in my ever growing TBR pile. I follow her on FB and she's hilarious! I can only imagine what her stories are like.
cbandy10(at)hotmail(dot)com
LMAO that was hilarious!!!! cant wait for the next Accidental book LOL
Well, after that post of awesome, I am not sure why you would not want to read these books. In fact it was so inspiring of a post that I will have to order on of the books and check out these great sounding characters.
I cannot wait for Accidentaly Catty.
terilhack at gmail dot com
I have no idea how I managed to miss this series. I have never heard of it but it is on my radar now, I will have to get started on it soon!
Nina makes a sound argument for avoiding books with shallow shop-aholic friends/coworkers. The mere idea makes me want to spork my eye out too.
One thing you DO NOT DO–drink coffee or for that matter anything while reading DC's book cause you will spew. I swear I have spewed coffee all over my keyboard every time I try to read and drink. These books will have you laughing out loud so be careful.
(\___/)
(='.'=)
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alterlisa AT yahoo DOT com
http://lisaslovesbooksofcourse.blogspot.com/
Oh, and I am so counting the days till I have Accidentaly Catty in my hands.
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(='.'=)
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alterlisa AT yahoo DOT com
http://lisaslovesbooksofcourse.blogspot.com/
Aw, thanks, everyone! You guys are fabulous, and I appreciate da love 🙂
DC 🙂
But Nina she gave you a really smokin hot vampire to spork so quityerbitchen. I am lovin me some Dakota. She makes me laugh so hard I can't read anything she writes at work or they will know I'm not working.
Yeah. I did give her a hot guy, didn't i? What nedma1 said, Nina! Neener, neener, neener! LOL
Everyone should absolutely read Dakota's books. Nina, and all her other characters are absolutely amazing!! I couldn't imgagine not "knowing" them!!
shadowfairy13@hotmail.com
Nina makes a compelling argument. Dakota turned her into a freaking vampire, already! But, if we stop reading Dakota, there will be no more Nina blogs. Actually, there will be no more Nina. Nuff said. Dakota readers must unite to keep Nina’s non-sparkly, shopping-averse, OOPS-lovin’, snarky/witty persona intact.
You should not read Dakota's books because you won't be able to sleep at night! You will end up awake all night long laughing your butt off. Then be a complete zombie in the morning. This is true it happended to me. My kids were not happy when they got their lucky Charms late for breakfast! Thanks for sharing Nina even if you just complained the whole time! LOL!
evjochum[AT]aol[DOT]
I have the overwhelming urge to agree with Nina, no one really should read these books. I started the series pre-Nook and I still have scars on my hands from holding them and all the evil they contain. And my corneas are still damaged from scrubbing them with Comet. Hard lesson folks, once read these books can't be unread. Bloody eyelids or not, the words are in there, touching your delicate brain. Maybe some shock therapy would help (now where did I put those jumper cables after the party Saturday?)
On the plus side, they do make great coasters and, in a pinch, liners for the cat box.
LOLLOL@Karen! OMG–the Comet comment made me roll around on the floor laughing 🙂
She's not lying, folks. I'm the pain givah!
Girlie has made me a full time addict. I close my eyes seeing the characters in her books, I wake up screaming from sexy sexy horror and whenever I'm in the shower I have the sudden urge to cuddle up with some strong paranormal man.
I'm rolling! There is something to be said about an author that tortures her characters. I would say don't read them, but then there wouldn't be anymore and I wouldn't be happy about that in the slightest.
Nina is a potty mouthed bitch and should mind her own business. Please buy Dakota's books…if you don't…A.) she doesn't get any money from the publisher; B.) she can't buy groceries; C.) she has to live in a box under the railroad trestle down by the river, and D.) she whines about it. Constantly and excessively! I just can't take any more whining…aaarrgh! Go buy those books!!!!!
I agree with Nina…. bat-shit crazy is right. Look up bat-whit in the dictionary and there will be a picture of Dakota in all her spanx wearing glory. But on the other hand, NIna, really…. you truly want to be sparkly? Really….stand in the front row during a Toddlers and Tiara's competition and you can get your sparklies, they float them through the air vents there. People must chose for themselves when it comes to buying a DC book but in the long run I think it is better for everyone involved if Dakota is kept busy thinking up new adventures for Nina and the girls to get in trouble with….. without you she would have to make a living as a full time reality television commentator and we all know what kind of trouble she could get into when given the time to spread out her talents beyone The Bachelor and the Miss America competition.
They so should give me a reality show. or just hire me to tweet events. That'd teach those interfering MIss America spies to lock me down on Twitter again, eh? LOL
Thanks, Shell!
Debi? I have a river near a trestle here in Plano? Where? I want to be sure I save my spot early 🙂
I just finished this book! After I laid in bed with my sore eyeballs closed for 3 days, I am now up and about again.
I absolutely loved Nina! She is rough around the edges, brings tomboy to another level and cusses notstop. Shes not afraid to say what she feels to whoever she feels needs to hear it. Good thing shes immortal, we need more women like her.
Nina has been my favorite from the beginning. Truly is sad that Dakota had to turn her into a vampire…but then again we get to enjoy Nina for even longer now. Maybe someday she'll live long enough to get those Ring Dings and chicken wings again.
Love Dakota!! Very excited for Accidentely Catty to come out.
Dakota warned me not to read her books. According to her, your eyes will bleed at first site! Now it seems by reading her books, not only do your eyes bleed but she turns you into a supernatural! Talk about reading at your own risk! Oh and my eyes didnt bleed that bad…
Well, if you are given a hot vamp, then a little comet in the eye might be worth it. I'm not deciding for you, you'll have to decide for yourself!
books (dot) things (at) yahoo (dot) com
Okay, here's the deal. If you are a really boring person who only likes to read books that are often OVERrated and/or have been made into movies, just forget it. You will totally not get the snarky comments and general love/hate friendships in Dakota's books. Nor will you get Dakota… at all. SO, just stay where you are, don't bother to look her up the next time you are at the bookstore, or search her on your e-reader. It's probably safer for everyone that way.
But… if you like new, different and exciting things and fancy yourself an adventerous ground breaking sort, then please, become a reader of Dakota. Become a fan even. Don't walk but RUN to a bookstore and grab her books. Yep you heard me. I'm talking to YOU! Go! Now! What are you waiting for?!
Read them because you can, because you should and because everyone else is *giggles*
Read her books because you'll be guaranteed a laugh and snarky characters like Nina!
LOLLOL@Kat–oh, that was funny, lady!
I've read ALL 7 of Dakota's books. Her writing makes me laugh out loud…sometimes I am brought to tears. She is one of my most favorite authors & Nina is one of my favorite characters (especially when she panics.) I can't wait for Accidentally Catty! 🙂 Suzette
You shouldn't read Dakota's books because you might laugh so hard you hurt yourself–and she will give you NO sympathy whatsoever. Really. Just ask Nina.
Thank you so much, Nina, for warning me away from Dakota's books. And to think, I was about to head out tomorrow and buy her whole series. Whew! Dodged a bullet there! 😉
justforswag(AT)yahoo(DOT)com
Read Dakota's books for the sheer fun and laughter you get from them.
I think Dakota is hilarious, and so are her characters, so everyone should read her books.
Barbed1951(at)aol(dot)com
NO!! Never read Dakota's Books. They'll suck out your brains and replace them with oatmeal-type mush! And not the good apples and cinnamon stuff, but the horrid peaches and cream crap! They'll force their hypnotic powers upon you and force you to stay up all night until the final page is complete! Worse than that, they'll make you wait in breathless anticipation until the next book in this heartless series comes out. Do you have any idea how long it takes for one of these books to be written and published? That's a heck of a long time to be breathless!! A person can die like that! Never, ever read one of her books! If you do, you'll be hooked by the end of the first paragraph and then, you are through! Her books made a completely worthwhile tour of Afghanistan turn into just one big read-fest! The horror…the horror.
Ok, well, Dakota will tell you that your eyes are gonna bleed, but I haven't actually witnessed a case of that yet and I've turned many people onto reading DC's books.
We should buy more and read more of Dakota's books to keep her kids in granola bars, and her in shoes. Yes, Dakota, I said shoes, despite the discussion of cosmetics last night.
Oh, and it will help keep her fabulous geeky hubby in toys, you know, the expensive ones that those geeky guys like *glares at own geeky hubby*
Oh, Chelsea–you have NO idea the bullet you dodged, baby! LOL
@Dan–oh, polite golf clap, buddy. Bravo!
Redheaded Mama–Damn geeky husbands!
Never EVER read a Dakota Cassidy book…wanna know why??? it melts your brain into a warm puddle of Jell-O. you know that yellow crap you get at hospitals? yeah that! and if you can recover from the slowly solidifying mush in your skull then you will get ATTACKED by random stuff that makes you laugh until you explode…nobody wants to laugh! we are all melancholy, jello-for-brains zombies which means a Dakota book is like POISON! the simple thought of her books will make you giggle and DIE! as i type this i am melting away, because of the stack of poison to my left! aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh *dies*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!@musicluvr_4evr. Nice! papa-san taught you well 🙂
(sniff) I'm so proud. Can you imagine a night at our house? Kind of like controlled chaos with giggles. Hmm zombies, maybe I should watch the stuff she reads. I'd take away her sparkly vampire stuff, but she already took them to the thrift store. Have you any idea what's going to happen when we actually get a copy of Catty? Know what I have to do to ground this kid? I take away her current book..and then feel like I'm stunting her creativity. Can't you tell she's creatively deprived? I'm such a bad daddy!
Well I definitely don't want to read if the vampires don't sparkle. What is the fun in that?
This series looks really good. Love the post.
iqb99@yahoo.com
rofl. you really need to buy these books so that Dakota can keep up with her hair spray addition. If you don't and she goes broke her withdrawel from hair spray and makeup might through the good ole usa into another recession. I mean really who wants that.
Everyone should read Dakota's books. You will never meet such a interesting cast or characters that make you laugh like this again.
LOL@PamK! Love ya, doll 🙂
Everyone else, thank you so much! I had a terrific time today 🙂
I LOVE, LOVE DAKOTA'S BOOKS!!
I would recommend Dakota's books actually I have gotten both my mom and sister's hooked. The only thing i can say is if you don't like a lot of cussing don't read Accidentally Dead. Otherwise have at it because Ms. Cassidy ROCKS.
I think they should definitely be read for the humor and sass that's contained in them!
meredithfl at gmail dot com
you should read the books because the covers are gorgeous, how can the books be bad??? I've heard a lot of good things about the series and it's already on my wishlist, it seems like the perfect moment to start reading it…
greetings, Ina
awesomeness! anything having to do with batcrap crazies is a must read if I do say!
Great post! Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect on me than intended – now I want to read these books 😉
smaccall @ comcast.net
LOL! I think we should read Dakota books because her vamps don't sparkle!
ironss[at]gmail.com
Love Dakota's storylines and characters. I always laugh when I read her books, and can always count on her crazy characters to totally lighten my mood.
caity_mack at yahoo dot com
One reason you should read Dakota's books is because they're hilarious!
drakeLa90 at aol dot com
You should buy her books, because how else can she support her tiara habit.
marlenebreakfield(at)yahoo(dot)com
You should read Dakotas books because any book with a cover that cute has to be awesome.
Plus they're fun and funny.
natalie23[at]hotmail[dot]co[dot]uk
Dakota is a new author to me.. I thank you so much for sharing with me.. I look forward to learning more about Dakota and reading her books.
Kelly M
crazybookfairy@gmail.com
I have not have the chance to read any of Dakota's books yet but I think I would love them because they sounds funny and very interesting.
forceofstars(at)yahoo(dot)dk
another fun guess post.
This is the first time I saw the book cover and read something about Dakota.I'd love to read her book. So I can get the approve for the truth of Nina's words.
aleetha.ally at gmail dot com
I'm embarrassed to admit that I have not read any of Dakota's books but I have heard that they are very good. And if her books have the same kind of humour Dakota has then I know they should be a blast to read!
spettolij AT gmail DOT com
Never read any of these books but wanting to laugh adn giggle through a book should be an incentive to start.
linze_e at hotmail.com
If the books are like this interview then we should all be reading these books!
beckerjo(at)verizon(dot)net