Quite a number of individuals argued that dragons prefer debauchery to all other past-times (such as amassing treasure, devouring their enemies, or acquiring the knowledge of the universe).

I beg to differ. Thankfully, Fangs for the Fantasy invented the perfect medium through which to survive this endeavor. The Paranormal Romance Drinking Game. A true stroke of genius. For every trope, we drink. Huzzah!*

Raise a glass for Thea Harrison’s Dragon Bound, and join me as we drunkenly dive into the world of the Elder Races. Spoilers (and drunken rambling) Ahead!

*************

She had stolen from one of the most dangerous creatures on Earth, a creature so frightening that just imagining him was more scariness than she ever wanted to meet in real life.

I am not impressed. I believe this mandates a drink. Brutalizing the English language has to be in there somewhere. “More scariness”? No. How about “more terrifying than she could even imagine entering her quiet life?”

DRINK

Is Greta Garbo famous for tangled ponytails? Because every scene Pia is in involves obsessive description of her tangled ponytail – and a reminded that she looks like Greta Garbo. Oh woe is me, the slender, muscular, leggy, blonde with classical features! How I suffer through my appearance. Woe!

                                                          DRINK

Amazing dragon introduction absolutely crushed under insipid romance foreshadowing. Alert! Magic Healing Vagina Incoming! Will Give Emotions!

He had been born along with the solar system. Give or take. […] He remembered telling the clever drunken scientist that he and humankind civilization had a lot in common. The difference was his experience was couched in a single entity, one set of memories. In a way, that meant he embodied all stages of evolution at once—beast and predator, magician and aristocrat, violence and intellectualism. He was not so sure he had acquired humanlike emotions.

DRINK

Pia’s only previous sexual experience was with a pre-ejeaculating asshole who couldn’t even get her off in bed. Wow. Clearly this gambling-addicted gem is the cure for your all-encompassing loneliness, and so wondrous that it’s important to literally give him the power to control/ruin/brutally end your life.

DRINK

No family. No friends. No significant others. No hobbies. Working as a bartender at same dead-end job for 6 years despite inheriting untold fortune from dead immortal mother. No life. No reason to keep reading this book because she is the most boring person in this world.

GLUG

Pia meets a total of three women in this book. She hates them all instantly.

1. The witch for her evil capitalism. How dare she engage in commerce for Pia’s benefit!
2. Tricks, who Pia hates on sight for being so perfectly cute. How many times is she going to describe herself in equine terms? FORESHADOWING.
3. The mean old harpy who holds that whole ‘crime’ thing against her even though NO ONE EVER EXPLAINS to Aryal that she was stealing under duress. Or that it was only a fucking penny. Also, she specifically hates Pia for her ponytail. Because women always beat on eachother due to hairstyles.

Dragos is TOO BEAUTIFUL, DARK, and AGGRESSIVE to be captured on film. No one knows what he looks like! Isn’t he supposed to be a shapeshifter? Doesn’t that mean he can look like whatever the fuck he wants? Actually all Wyr are shapeshifters, so they can all just look however. Right? Does that mean they all adhere to modern beauty standards all the time?

DRINK

Just the second hand smell of magic healing vagina on a piece of paper motivates him to engage in modern culture and acknowledge the work of his staff. When before he was just sitting on his treasure hoard, counting all the pennies, and munching on limbs he rends in his spare time.

DRINK

Magical roofie sex dream!

DRINK

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VEGETARIAN AND VEGAN. Anyone who is truly one of those things would know the difference and correctly identify themselves as such. Even the goddamn carnivorous dragon who couldn’t fathom the mystery of a ziploc bag without a televised assist knew the difference.

 BONUS DRINK FOR POINTLESS PROTAGONIST STUPIDITY

Proximity to magic vagina turns thoughts of imprending torture and murder into worry about shock and emotional distress. Enter caretaker dragon.

DRINK

Magic roofie mind control! Which he knows will possibly shatter her mind beyond repair. But at least she’s babbling and compliant now.

DRINK

I am a super-special one of a kind magical creature, but I am going to spend lots of time dismissing my uniqueness as a party trick even though EVERY PERSON I MEET EVER IS ALL ‘OMG YOU ARE SO SPECIAL WTFBBQ?!’ Fuck me lady, I could get drunk on your ridiculous mispalced self-loathing alone.

GLUG

OMG THEY ADDED MULAN TO NETFLIX. This is the most amazing thing to happen today! Dance party break! C’mon Dragos! I’ll…make a man….outta you….

DRINK. RIGHT? I WAS SUPPOSED TO DRINK.

Demands her eternal servitude of an unspecified nature

DRINK

My hair fetish can only be satisfied IF AND ONLY IF your stupid dead ex never tainted your hair with his cooties. 

 DRINK

MY NEED TO CONTROL YOU IS SO IMPORTANT I AM WILLING TO START A WAR THAT COULD KILL MILLIONS OF PEOPLE. 

 DRINK

He likes to paw her while she is magically drugged into sleeping. So she cannot whine at him about her ridiculous personal space preferences.

DRINK

He literally ties to him. With her HAIR. No wonder it is so tangled. It has knots in it.

 DRINK

This. IS. Dragos. (Copyright Eric Scales)

Calls her his possession four times in half a page. Then forces a kiss on her. Bloody HISSES at her when she pulls away. Fuck me Dragos is a DRAGON CAT! Now I know what he looks like! Except black.

 DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK. DRINK.

Imagine the dragon cat coming on to you. Drink again to erase the image of this animal trying to make out with you. ITS TOO LATE YOU NEVER CAN EVER. Marlene previously banned all brain bleach shipments to Alaska

GLUG

Your life is meaningless. You are just a pawn in my big way. If you leave, my enemies will kill you. Or I’ll find you and you’re fucked. Basically, stay with me because I haven’t tortured yet. Since I am not bored. 

DRINK

Then she is almost killed and is beaten half to death. Yet gives him credit for saving her when she wouldn’t be in this situation if she’d run off with elves when given a chance. Did we drink for ridiculously stupid self-sabotoging decision to stay with the obsessive, murderous, violent captor who roofied her? Or were we too distracted by the glory of Dragos the Dragon Cat?

DRINK, DRINK

Hey babe, I stole this soap and shirt for you because you smell like dead goblin which is not a scent that gets me off. Noone in the history of the universe has ever exhibited such selfless regard for others. Totally time to put out.

DRINK

How fucking long is this hair that he can use it as a leash?

DRINK

Pitiful human obsession with freedom is beneath me. I want slaves, I’ll keep slaves!

DRINK

Pia’s Wyr-power is to keep her hair tangled! Or do dragons tangle ponytails with their mighty gaze? And if so, why?

DRINK

Things Pia finds unbearably arousing:

1. Her own impending death by dismemberment;
2. Someone being shot and poisoned and laid out in unbearable agony;
3. Seeing someone chained to a floor post-severe beating immediately following her own severe beating;
4. Watching her lover attempt to kill one of his best friends for teaching her to defend herself as instructed. ROAR YOU DARE TEACH MY WOMAN HOW TO ESCAPE WHEN I’VE PINNED HER PER MY SEXUAL PREFERENCES? NOW YOU MUST DIE.

 DRINK, DRINK, DRINK, GLUG

Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. I thought unicorns only let virgins touch them. Don’t they repell slutty people or something? Or punish them like a medieval Jason Voorhees? Dragos is most demonstrably NOT a virgin at this point.

Why didn’t this happen?

DRINK

He decides who does/does not get to know super special magic identity for her own good without consulting her. Even though it is super-obvious. HELLO HORSE REFERENCES.

DRINK

His jizz is so mighty it can vanquish all forms of contraception. Or does this mean all Wyr men can FORCE PREGNANCY ON THEIR PARTNERS? And this fucking anti-choicer “doctor” thinks this is totally KOSHER?

GULP AND REFILL FUCKING GLASS

Obvious set-ups for sequel romances:

1. The literal fairy princess and her “junkyard dog.” Got a whole lady-and-the-tramp vibe going on that I am not digging. People in South America live in houses too. They have cities there and everything. Bite me Racist Princess.
2. Aryal and the one guy who always seems to be staring at her in adoration. He is the only person who doesn’t think she’s a raging bitch. Magical mating! Any time now he’s gonna heal her hostility with his magic cock. And her magic vagina will allow him to grow vocal cords. Win-win. She won’t tolerate Pia until she is getting laid more.

DRINK, DRINK

Urian is Shan-yu! And his four merry men that Pia kills are totally the dudes Mulan beats down! This is so awesome it deserves another dance party break. And….

DRINK!

*************

For those of you who noticed I did not strictly adhere to Sparky’s rules, the final tally would have been in the realm of:

• 62 drinks (I could have been way off here. I failed to consistently count the number of times Dragos is creepily possessive);
• 11 glasses; and
• 5 bottles.

My ultimate verdict of Dragos? Not that bad. As a dragon, I rather liked him. But between the creepy-ass “romance” and Pia’s to-stupid-to-live tendencies, I had one helluva hangover. (All drinks taken were not included in review. Only drinks that elicited comments.) And so I give Dragon Bound 2 drunken stars and a fluid IV.

*I never said it was my idea. Not once! They’ve also published alcohol-based survivor’s guides for Paranormal YA and Urban Fantasy. I highly recommend reviewing the rules for all three games. Even if you don’t actually attempt to implement them.

Note: the creators of this game advised that all participants drink with watered down American beer (is American beer less alcoholic than other varieties?). However, I am a rum-and-coke drinker. Upon hitting my third drink on page 3,  I elected to discard the letter of the rules in favor of following them in spirit. Because I’ve only got the one liver.

About Draconismoi

Draconismoi is a Legal Aid Attorney out on the frozen tundra. After two weeks of -30F, she started telling people she moved to Alaska because she loves the indoors. Right now you'll find her curled up under all the blankets she owns, surrounded by a pile of books. Every so often she emerges from her cave (when there is food) and wonders how she'll justify prolonging this behavior once the temperature rises and the sun returns.

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